The anxiety bail.

I have lost count on the amount of times I have cancelled plans at the last minute. It all seems well and good at the time, arranging a meal or a night out with friends except the day before, the doubt creeps in. The options, the excuses, the desperate need to just stay at home. I am all too familiar with this feeling.

Tonight I am meant to be going for a meal with work colleagues and I so, so badly don’t want to go.

“You’ll enjoy yourself when you are there…” No, no I don’t think I will actually. While I’m sat there with my thoughts screaming inside my mind I will think WHY DID I NOT STAY AT HOME.

Very easy reasons to cancel…

• It’s awkward to get to, I still can’t drive and so my Mom is giving up her evening to get me there and back. Guilt.
• Yes I know the people who are going, but I’m not on a comfortable level with them. There was also be consultants there that most likely don’t even know who I am. Awkward.
• Already worrying about sitting there and most likely having nothing to say, and then trying to make conversation and instantly regretting it. Embarrassment.
• Not actually making much conversation and being really quiet for most of the night. Worrying about people thinking that I am just rude. Judgement.
• Stressing about silly things like when it comes to paying the bill and having the right money for the food I’ve had. Already planning to look over menu and pick what I’m having and arrive with correct change in purse. Over thinking.
• Not to mention the fact I am a MESSY eater. I will mostly likely drop some food down myself or in my hair (yes this does happen) and everyone will see and think I am literally a child. More embarrassment. 
• I would much prefer to be in the warmth of my own home, with my parents, watching Saturday Night Takeaway and the final of The Voice. Out of my comfort zone.

I think it is safe to say I have enough reasons why it is so much easier to cancel. Yes I may feel guilty or be scared that they will undoubtedly judge me for cancelling, but not guilty or scared enough to stop me. Then there are the excuses… I don’t feel well (too obvious). My mum isn’t very well (using other people as an excuse to get you out of things, pretty awful). My cat has gone missing (I don’t have a cat…).

Reasons for going… are there actually any? Come on Vikki, at least force yourself…

• They made an effort to organise it on a date that I could definitely go as I have missed out in the past.
• It’s one of my favourite restaurants.
• I have actually just been successful in my interview (see previous post regarding awkward hand fart…) and will now be working full time in the team as a secretary. I should probably make the effort.

So do the reasons for weigh out the reasons against? No. This will always be my reaction. But it’s never just the reasons for and against. It’s the constant worrying, overthinking, the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach and general anxiety which I’m going to have to put up with for the next 8 hours. Oh yeah that is another reason – the table is booked for 7:30. Like seriously, I need my dinner at 6. I am also photographing tomorrow morning and need to be up pretty early. (YES! More excuses…)

Do you ever just think to yourself, give it a f**king rest? Where is the off switch?

And so it remains undecided…