Today I’ve had my first day ill off work so I actually have time to write a blog post. Except it’s not going to be a positive one, I’m sad to say I’m feeling truly defeated.
I’m not sure what has got to me but this morning I woke up feeling incredibly sick – anyone with emetophobia will know how simply crippling this is. I’m sure for anybody else, they would get up, get ready, have something to eat and go about their daily lives, except for me, I couldn’t fight that battle today.
I’d be lying if I said I haven’t come a long way with my anxiety in the last few months, but whilst I’ve been able to get used to a 9-5:30 job, an ‘everyday normal’ life, I feel like I have been dragged back down in other ways. My anxiety on occasions does still have a massive effect on my life, such as when I’m photographing at the weekends. Theres no need for gory details but I end up suffering with an extremely funny tummy half the time + long journeys = a very anxious Vikki. Anxious Vikki gets anxious at the thought of being anxious. That vicious circle with what feels like no escape.
Not only that, but I feel like social anxiety is very slowly taking over and crippling my life. Work is stressing me the F*** out, and the environment, and the people impact me immensely. No doubt it is a high pressure environment and everyone is under a lot of stress, but even if somebody doesn’t make the effort to say hello to me, I spend the rest of the day analysing and simmering away wondering what I’ve done. I view everything about everyone negatively, and always expect the worse, and it just makes me so sad. I want to set up a Facebook page for my Dad’s business, but I dissect every bit of information and sentence I put together, the fear of embarrassment and cringing over what to write is completely putting me off. My Dad has recently fixed my bike up for me, so I can cycle to and from work, except I keep analysing and changing my potential route, to avoid the possibility of people laughing at me. Like anyone would actually even notice?
It’s just every day little things that keep winding me up more and more, demoralising me and making me feel less human, and today I feel as though I finally accepted defeat. I didn’t want to fight my anxiety or face the world. My anxiety has made me feel horrendous on numerous occasions, when I’ve been begging for someone to help me when there isn’t really anything they can do, but I’ve never felt defeated like this before.
I’m sad and sorry to be negative, but I just thought I’d get it out there. Hope you are all doing a little better than I am!