Defeated.

Today I’ve had my first day ill off work so I actually have time to write a blog post. Except it’s not going to be a positive one, I’m sad to say I’m feeling truly defeated.

I’m not sure what has got to me but this morning I woke up feeling incredibly sick – anyone with emetophobia will know how simply crippling this is. I’m sure for anybody else, they would get up, get ready, have something to eat and go about their daily lives, except for me,  I couldn’t fight that battle today.

I’d be lying if I said I haven’t come a long way with my anxiety in the last few months, but whilst I’ve been able to get used to a 9-5:30 job, an ‘everyday normal’ life, I feel like I have been dragged back down in other ways. My anxiety on occasions does still have a massive effect on my life, such as when I’m photographing at the weekends. Theres no need for gory details but I end up suffering with an extremely funny tummy half the time + long journeys = a very anxious Vikki. Anxious Vikki gets anxious at the thought of being anxious. That vicious circle with what feels like no escape.

Not only that, but I feel like social anxiety is very slowly taking over and crippling my life. Work is stressing me the F*** out, and the environment, and the people impact me immensely. No doubt it is a high pressure environment and everyone is under a lot of stress, but even if somebody doesn’t make the effort to say hello to me, I spend the rest of the day analysing and simmering away wondering what I’ve done.  I view everything about everyone negatively, and always expect the worse, and it just makes me so sad. I want to set up a Facebook page for my Dad’s business, but I dissect every bit of information and sentence I put together, the fear of embarrassment and cringing over what to write is completely putting me off. My Dad has recently fixed my bike up for me, so I can cycle to and from work, except I keep analysing and changing my potential route, to avoid the possibility of people laughing at me. Like anyone would actually even notice?

It’s just every day little things that keep winding me up more and more, demoralising me and making me feel less human, and today I feel as though I finally accepted defeat. I didn’t want to fight my anxiety or face the world. My anxiety has made me feel horrendous on numerous occasions, when I’ve been begging for someone to help me when there isn’t really anything they can do, but I’ve never felt defeated like this before.

I’m sad and sorry to be negative, but I just thought I’d get it out there. Hope you are all doing a little better than I am!

V 🙂

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8 thoughts on “Defeated.

  1. Hi Vikki. First of all, I want to say that you shouldn’t feel bad or guilty about writing a post that isn’t one hundred percent uplifting. Second of all, we all have bad days and that doesn’t make you any less successful or strong. I think it’s great that in some ways your anxiety has gotten better and that you’re able to work, that alone is a great accomplishment!

    I know it’s not always easy, but sometimes we have to stop worrying about what others think and do what’s best for us. Even if others laugh because you use your bike to get to work, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re making an effort to get there and that’s important and a great achievement!

    Please don’t give up. Stay strong and work hard! You are strong enough to get through your anxiety! I know sometimes it’s hard not to just give up, but we can’t afford to! You have so much to offer. We all do.

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  2. Oh your poor thing. I hope you’re feeling better now? Don’t kick yourself for having a day off! One day off in several months is amazing. I actually find that so impressive! I took so many anxiety/emetophobia days off in one job that the manager had to speak to me and give me a warning.

    I totally get a bad tummy as well. It’s sod’s law, isn’t it? You get anxious about your tummy, then your tummy gets worse, so you get more anxious, and you feel sick, and you get more anxious …. And even though it happens every other day, I still worry every time that *this is it. this is the time i’ve caught a bug.* I carry hot water bottles with me everywhere because they’re so comforting.

    Also I didn’t know you were doing your photography on the weekends. That’s so brilliant! Just be sure to give yourself some time off to rest. You should set up your Dad’s facebook page. It’d be anonymous, nobody would know who you are AND i’m sure they’d think his page was fantastic. When he gets likes and comments, you’ll get a confidence boost as well – because it’ll be thanks to you! I’d like it 😉

    Thinking of you lovely xxxxx

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    1. So lovely to hear from you as always! I’m a little better thank you, I just feel stuck in a bit of a slump at the moment like everything is against me!
      Oh god anxious tummies are just awful! So true.. I had one this morning and the pain was just excruciating.. funnily enough after seeing your blog posts I took a hot water bottle in the car with me to try and help! hehe so thank you for that one 😉 I’ll certainly give it a go I think… just wish I did overthink every little thing I say or do..honestly I have a conversation with someone and reply it in my mind 10 times over! Madness. Hope you are good! xxxx

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      1. It just seems to be the way of the world doesn’t it? Every time you feel like you’re in a better place, things start crashing down again. Maybe you should think about getting some help? I know you’ve had a bad experience in the past at uni but they’re not all bad. The charity Mind do free and open-ended counselling. It was a lifeline for me, I really miss my counsellor! 😦

        Haha oh no! I’m spreading my safety behaviours around. I walk around with them tucked into my clothes haha. I wake my poor boyfriend up in the middle of the night to get me them!

        I do exactly the same thing. Like why did I say that? Why didn’t I say this? What did they mean when they said this? Stupid brain! I bet people think you’re wonderful though. I do 🙂 🙂 xxx

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      2. Definitely! Yeah a few have mentioned it to me but I’m not good for talking, I’m struggling to even tell my boyfriend whats wrong at the moment and its not doing our relationship any favours!
        Hehe love it, I was very grateful for it yesterday!
        Aww you’re so kind, it really does mean alot! Likewise, I think you’re just brilliant with all you’ve been through! Xxxx

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      3. Aww and you don’t need that at all. 😦 My boyf is the only person I actually talk to. It’s good you have the blogging as an outlet. Does your boyfriend know about it? Xxxx

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