I have been desperate to write this blog post for ages, not because anyone will be anyone eager to know what has been happening in my life since starting my new job, but because I just need to get it all out…
I’m in my third week of my new job and well, I honestly don’t know what to say other than I feel like I am in an utter mess. I could write endless amounts on what has happened, every little detail (probably wouldn’t be able to remember actually…) but considering I probably need to get to bed soon, and my mind feels like it’s constantly in overdrive, i’ll just have to try my best to write the short version which will hopefully make sense.
So the induction was fine. My actual first day in the office, was not. Beginning with my line manager not being there, and my ‘mentor’ possibly being the grumpiest person on earth. She was not pleased to meet me. I spent the morning rapidly making notes on how to do this and that, with no explanation as to why or what anything actually meant. To me, this is just not ideal. I am a perfectionist, I like to know how and why I’m doing things so that I can do them to the best of my ability.
I spent my lunch time sat on a cold ledge outside in town, sobbing into my costa coffee and as soon as I saw my boyfriend after finishing work, I burst into tears. Fantastic.
By the next day, I went from doing 10 tasks to 30. My mentor acted as though every question I asked was an utter nuisance and eventually made me too scared to even ask. Clearly this didn’t go down well, because I eventually learnt I was doing something wrong. I spent my birthday worrying myself sick as to how badly I’d messed up the whole process and whether to admit what I’d done.
Whilst I’ve gradually got used to the same tasks I have to do every single day, pressing exactly the same buttons, going square eyed staring at the computer for however many hours, stuffing letters rapidly into envelopes before 4:30, I was then introduced to the phones. Literally, WTF. I HATE speaking on the phone at the best of times, but I knew this was something I’d have to overcome with my job. Okay, that’s fine, apart from I know NOTHING about what people are ringing me up asking about. I’m relying on somebody else to answer the questions whilst pretending like I have a clue what I’m being asked. I’ve only been on 2 days so far, but I spend the hour before feeling my anxiety rising, my hands shaking after taking each phone call. But it’ll get better right?
Now don’t get me wrong, I fully understand that it will eventually get better. Some hours I feel okay, others I feel clueless. I have already cried too many tears, fighting them at my desk, in the toilets, even ordering my coffee in costa today. I’m not expecting sympathy, just some help from someone who understands how hard it is. Someone who understands the constant mental battle you’re having with your own mind, feeling incompetent, useless, completely out of your depth, fearing every time somebody whispers something it is about you, constantly on the edge of your seat when your mentor starts effing and blinding about someone doing something wrong. My mentor has got a lot better with me, christ she will actually make conversation with me sometimes, but I still don’t feel comfortable around them, and hate having to rely on them for help. Hell they are YOUNGER than me too.
So long story short, it has been overwhelming. I don’t think I have been trained properly, I’m just getting on with the job I have been shown to do. I wake up throughout the night worrying about having to go into work each day. I panic every hour counting down to going on the phone. At some point each day, I’m fighting not to cry. Everything feels like a constant rush, even eating dinner, before packing my bag and getting into bed for the next day. I’m so tired but I don’t want to go to bed because I don’t want it to be the next day and be starting work all over again. I feel like I have no time for anything. Is this life? Seriously?
All I’m being told is I need to give it chance, everyone has to learn, it’ll get better. I’m sure it will, but right now, it’s awful. I do feel pathetic for feeling the need to get out so quickly, I’m going to have to get used to a job at some point. I can’t go back to doing nothing everyday. But how can something that felt like it was going to be so right, now feel so horribly wrong? Do I stick it out for my probationary period, do I try and stay for at least 6 months so it doesn’t look crap on my CV, can I just walk out right now before I’m in too deep…? If anything it’s made me realise how much I appreciate photography and that I actually would like to work in it, so maybe the job hunt re-begins.
I don’t feel like I’ve explained the situation the best, but that doesn’t really matter. If anyone has any similar experiences, advice, or just anything on how to get me through or what you think I should do, I would appreciate it beyond belief!