Workin’ 9 – 5, what a way not to make a living…

I have been desperate to write this blog post for ages, not because anyone will be anyone eager to know what has been happening in my life since starting my new job, but because I just need to get it all out…

I’m in my third week of my new job and well, I honestly don’t know what to say other than I feel like I am in an utter mess. I could write endless amounts on what has happened, every little detail (probably wouldn’t be able to remember actually…) but considering I probably need to get to bed soon, and my mind feels like it’s constantly in overdrive, i’ll just have to try my best to write the short version which will hopefully make sense.

So the induction was fine. My actual first day in the office, was not. Beginning with my line manager not being there, and my ‘mentor’ possibly being the grumpiest person on earth. She was not pleased to meet me. I spent the morning rapidly making notes on how to do this and that, with no explanation as to why or what anything actually meant. To me, this is just not ideal. I am a perfectionist, I like to know how and why I’m doing things so that I can do them to the best of my ability.

I spent my lunch time sat on a cold ledge outside in town, sobbing into my costa coffee and as soon as I saw my boyfriend after finishing work, I burst into tears. Fantastic.

By the next day, I went from doing 10 tasks to 30. My mentor acted as though every question I asked was an utter nuisance and eventually made me too scared to even ask. Clearly this didn’t go down well, because I eventually learnt I was doing something wrong. I spent my birthday worrying myself sick as to how badly I’d messed up the whole process and whether to admit what I’d done.

Whilst I’ve gradually got used to the same tasks I have to do every single day, pressing exactly the same buttons, going square eyed staring at the computer for however many hours, stuffing letters rapidly into envelopes before 4:30, I was then introduced to the phones. Literally, WTF. I HATE speaking on the phone at the best of times, but I knew this was something I’d have to overcome with my job. Okay, that’s fine, apart from I know NOTHING about what people are ringing me up asking about. I’m relying on somebody else to answer the questions whilst pretending like I have a clue what I’m being asked. I’ve only been on 2 days so far, but I spend the hour before feeling my anxiety rising, my hands shaking after taking each phone call. But it’ll get better right?

Now don’t get me wrong, I fully understand that it will eventually get better. Some hours I feel okay, others I feel clueless. I have already cried too many tears, fighting them at my desk, in the toilets, even ordering my coffee in costa today. I’m not expecting sympathy, just some help from someone who understands how hard it is. Someone who understands the constant mental battle you’re having with your own mind, feeling incompetent, useless, completely out of your depth, fearing every time somebody whispers something it is about you, constantly on the edge of your seat when your mentor starts effing and blinding about someone doing something wrong. My mentor has got a lot better with me, christ she will actually make conversation with me sometimes, but I still don’t feel comfortable around them, and hate having to rely on them for help. Hell they are YOUNGER than me too.

So long story short, it has been overwhelming. I don’t think I have been trained properly, I’m just getting on with the job I have been shown to do. I wake up throughout the night worrying about having to go into work each day. I panic every hour counting down to going on the phone. At some point each day, I’m fighting not to cry. Everything feels like a constant rush, even eating dinner, before packing my bag and getting into bed for the next day. I’m so tired but I don’t want to go to bed because I don’t want it to be the next day and be starting work all over again. I feel like I have no time for anything. Is this life? Seriously?

All I’m being told is I need to give it chance, everyone has to learn, it’ll get better. I’m sure it will, but right now, it’s awful. I do feel pathetic for feeling the need to get out so quickly, I’m going to have to get used to a job at some point. I can’t go back to doing nothing everyday. But how can something that felt like it was going to be so right, now feel so horribly wrong? Do I stick it out for my probationary period, do I try and stay for at least 6 months so it doesn’t look crap on my CV, can I just walk out right now before I’m in too deep…? If anything it’s made me realise how much I appreciate photography and that I actually would like to work in it, so maybe the job hunt re-begins.

I don’t feel like I’ve explained the situation the best, but that doesn’t really matter. If anyone has any similar experiences, advice, or just anything on how to get me through or what you think I should do, I would appreciate it beyond belief!

V 🙂

 

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6 thoughts on “Workin’ 9 – 5, what a way not to make a living…

  1. Hey lovely, I’ve been waiting to hear how you’ve been getting on in your new job. I’m really sorry to hear that it’s going pretty horribly for you so far. I don’t think it will ever be easy for you because anxiety makes everything so much harder but I do think that it will at least get easier with time. You’ll grow in confidence and feel more capable in doing the daily tasks as you settle in to your new daily routine. I hate answering the phone too. I worked as a receptionist once and I used to DREAD the phone ringing. After six months, it was my favourite part of the job and I couldn’t wait for the phone to ring.

    How do you feel about confiding in someone at work about your anxiety? I sometimes feel more at ease once I have told someone that I am feeling anxious simply because you’re not having to hide it. Trying to hide how anxious I am makes me feel so much worse.

    Anyway, really well done! It might not feel like it but you’re being really strong by going back there every day. Getting a job is something that does just have to be done and you’re already getting back out there and living your life. xxxxx

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    1. Aww that’s so lovely of you, I’m so glad to hear from you 🙂 I know you’re right about it all, it’s just making me so unhappy. I’m trying to take it one day at a time but even that is unbearable 😦 god I hope I could love being on the phone one day! haha I guess the only thing is I haven’t really found anyone I’d feel comfortable confiding in about my anxiety… bloody thing! I hope you’re okay, I’m hoping to have chance to catch up with all your posts soon! xxxx

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      1. Yeah I mean it’s easy for me to say those things but you’re the one having to go through it. I know I would feel exactly the same as you do. And I never confide in anyone either haha! I am actively avoiding getting a job right now.

        You need something to look forward to each day so you can get through the day. A nice bath, a shopping trip at the weekend or a trip to the zoo 🙂 Give yourself some treats to reward yourself for how brave you’re being. Try and keep a little book of positive things that happen through the day too. That’s really helped me in the past because you stop focusing on all the poopy stuff. xxx

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      2. Those are such lovely ideas! I guess because I don’t get home until 6:30 some days, I feel bummed already because it feels like the evening has already gone, just need to start making sure I use the time I have! Ah I saw you post about writing positive things and thought what a good idea it was, I will definitely be trying that 🙂 thank you for your suggestions and kind words! xxxx

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  2. Your mentor sounds terrible. I would not be surprised if she is the sole reason behind your difficulty with the job. I mean, what a way to be introduced to a new job. This is NOT how to train someone. One bad colleague, especially one you have to spend all your time with and rely on for help, is enough to make a workplace unbearable. Is there anyone more senior than your mentor who strikes you as a nice person who you could have a quiet word with? I doubt they will be surprised by what you have to say as I’m sure they all know what she’s like. It would be worth a try even if you get fobbed off with ‘that’s just her Way’. This person should not be able to put ‘trained other employees’ on her CV with pride, shall we say.

    Just some things to remember:
    It’s NOT normal to find yourself feeling anxious to ask for help from your mentor, and you shouldn’t be made to feel like you’re emposing. A new staff member asking for help is totally normal. Her reaction is what’s not normal.

    Just because your mentor has got better and now has conversations with you (!!! the BARE MINIMUM), you still shouldn’t feel guilty to tell someone in the company about how she has given you the absolute worst start possible.

    You do NOT deserve to be made to feel like a pest. Just because she is younger than you doesn’t mean you should be somehow able to handle her rude and uncalled for behaviour. She was already in this company when you arrived and she was given a senior position over you. She has power over you and clearly she is using it.

    Best of luck as this continues. Keep us updated how it goes if you’d like.

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment. I will definitely consider mentioning it to someone, another girl started a week before me and I mentioned a couple of things about our mentor and she said she felt the same. I’m just hesitant to say anything to somebody more senior as they all seem to love her! Despite the situation with my mentor, everyone else seems to be okay, those who I have spoken to anyway! I’m awful for over thinking situations if someone doesn’t even say hello haha but like I said thank you so much for commenting, to hear someone else understand how unbearable she is making it for me is somewhat reassuring! x

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