When I grow up, I want to be…

Today I’m having one of those bloody days. I feel like I’m always being made to do what people want me to do. If it was up to me, I probably wouldn’t do anything. Oh… I don’t actually really do anything. I get up, have breakfast and shower, do some things around the house, eat lunch, have an afternoon nap then either go food shopping or spend the rest of the day aimlessly doing pointless tasks (if I can be bothered, otherwise I’ll end up on Sims because a virtual world is so much better than reality, right?) I’m 21 years old and this is my life. But I like it this way, because I’m too scared, too stubborn, too lonely, too lazy to do anything else.

I’ve always been encouraged to push myself to do things, not in a forceful way, just for my own benefit. These days it’s very rare that I actually do. Over the last few years I would often arrange to see friends but then would always cancel at the last minute. I’d want to see them, but on the day wake up and feel serious anxiety and lack of enthusiasm and come up with some bull excuse as to why I couldn’t be there. I still do and I feel crap for it. Quite honestly, I’ve probably lost a fair few friends because of it. But that’s just how I am.

As I’ve previously mentioned on numerous occasions I’m on the job hunt after finishing university. I’m being told to do so many different things and whilst I’m grateful for help and suggestions I can’t help but get that feeling of being EXPECTED to do something. Can I just do what I want to do? Can I just continue my monotonous daily routine of doing pretty much nothing? I do get bored, I do get frustrated. I dream of doing exciting things but various things are always holding me back. I have got better with my anxiety, a few years ago you wouldn’t get me to do anything. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still spend my mornings suffering from IBS and verging on a panic attack before actually attempting to do something that day.

I think having so much time on my hands is giving me too much time to think, overthink and have so many self doubting thoughts. It’s proving hard to find a job in the photography field, I always kind of knew this would be the case but I mean, it’s really hard. So why did I just spend the last 3 years studying it at the cost of £27,000 just for tuition fees? Wow that’s actually pretty scary when you write it out haha ouch! Don’t get me wrong, the experience was life changing and I don’t regret it for a second, but now I’m out, I really am lost.

The more time goes by, the more I doubt my future in photography. I have never really had any self confidence and although I know I can do things and I can be a good photographer, I am constantly doubting myself and don’t feel good enough. It may be the case I have to find a job in something else for now, and that’s fine. But it saddens me that I’ve never really felt there was something I definitely wanted to do. You know how people just know that they want to be a doctor, a physiotherapist, a lawyer, an artist, a graphic designer, a geographer, a musician… the list is endless obviously. But they just know and they do whatever they can to get there. I’ve never really felt that way about something and I long to so bad. I do get excited about certain aspects of photography and I do really enjoy it, but the more self-doubt, the more demotivation creeps in and I feel like I’m back at the beginning when I didn’t know what GCSE’s or A-Levels to take. I’ve never had a ‘plan’ or an ‘aim’ or ‘life-long goal’. I’ve just made the decisions as they came along. I wasn’t always 100% about going to university but I eventually decided to go for it. Now I’m back to my decision of not knowing where to go next. I joke about wanting to be a midwife but can’t stand blood. I love children, could I work in that industry? I would love to be a lawyer, but with such a lack of confidence I don’t think so somehow. There are so many things I think I would really like to do but probably never would, thats why photography came out as my number one.

However, when I was younger there was one thing I really loved. Swimming. And for once, I was actually good at it and I knew I was good at it. (Not in a boastful way!) It was first noticed at school and I was entered into various school swimming gala’s which was super exciting. I had swimming lessons every week and earned a number of badges and certificates. Then I went on to have a trial at my local swimming club and made it in, meaning I would train numerous times a week and competed in bigger galas. But even then, my confidence would hold me back. The swimming pool would be divided into lanes depending on ability and age, but I was too scared to move up a lane even though I was too fast for the one I was in. Eventually, I got too shy and too lazy to carry on and sadly gave it up, and I regret it all the time. I know you shouldn’t live in the past or have regrets but with this one I genuinely do. I loved swimming so much, I longed to be an olympic swimmer. If I never quit, would I have made it? Who knows, but there is the one thing that I knew I wanted to be.

What were your aspirations when you were younger? Have you followed them through? Have you got goals you’re aiming for now? I would love to hear about it, I genuinely love inspirational stories.

V 🙂