Is anyone else absolutely exhausted from hearing this?
So I started my anxiety blog over a month ago now and I have only managed 3 posts since which is a pretty poor effort on my behalf! I would love to say I have been uber busy but quite honestly I have been spending a lot of time doing all the things I was longing to do whilst finishing my last uni project… so erm, nothing? For now I’m enjoying Big Brother, Young Guns new album Ones and Zeros (definitely worth a listen!) attempting to eat healthy and lose some weight (Charlotte Crosby’s 3 Min Belly Blitz is absolute killer) and generally helping round the house and occasionally venturing outside – exciting yes?
Of course, I am also on the look out for a full time job. I have officially passed my 3 years of university and will be graduating in November with a Bachelor of Arts Upper Second Class Honours in Photography – I used it’s proper title for effect 😉 Hurrah! So now the education sector of my life is finally over (for now, Masters anyone?) I have to find myself a job. There are so many different suggestions people are throwing at me. I’ve been encouraged to find a job as soon as possible after leaving uni, understandable really, but then others tell me to take some time to chill. Also understandable. Find anything asap so I can earn, or wait and find something I’m really passionate about? Go travelling! (With no money and anxiety? Maybe not..) So basically, I’m waiting to see what happens with my other half first, as for now this could mean a big change is on the cards!
But in all seriousness, I do need and do want a job. But the biggest problem? A driving licence is pretty much essential. Do I have one? No. Do I want one? Erm…….. Sure. I have a HUGE problem with learning to drive. Whilst a lot of my friends were mad keen to drive as soon as they turned 17, I wasn’t too bothered as it wasn’t really affordable at the time so I thought I would leave it a few years. Then I went to uni where I didn’t really need a car so another 3 years passed by. I have had a little bit of an experience behind the wheel, I managed to drive up and down a car park a couple of times, turned a small corner and change to second gear (woot!) but there was a small mishap which meant the tiniest bit of confidence I had was smashed to smithereens. We all know after something like that, the best thing to do is get right back in the driver’s seat which I did, but the novelty of learning to drive soon was soon gone and I haven’t really tried again since. This was before I went to uni, so it has been quite a while now. From those couple of ‘lessons’ (they weren’t official, just with my Dad) it was enough for me to realise that I will not be one of those people that driving comes naturally to, neither do I feel comfortable doing it! But it’s come to the point now where I really do need to learn to drive, and it just fills me with dread and fear.
The whole experience just seems like a nightmare – not only do you have to learn with a stranger, you have to pass your theory, then the actual test with another stranger… yuck! You have to fork out for lessons, the theory, the actual test, a car, insurance, MOT ect ect… ugh do I really have to drive? Please? It’s not the fear of crashing which is scaring me, it’s not my past experience which is scaring me, it’s just the whole situation. I honestly don’t feel like I can do it.
“Once you’ve started you’ll love it!”
“You’ll soon get used to it.”
“I was really scared like you but once I got into it I was fine.”
“You’ll have so much freedom!”
“You’ll be okay.”
Can for once, it just be accepted that I don’t want to be told that i’ll be okay? Can it just be accepted for once that I don’t feel like I can do something? I know I sound ungrateful, I know I am so lucky to have the support I have had with my anxiety but it’s exhausting when sometimes it feels like no one really knows how it is when you just don’t feel like you can do it. It may be a little controversial, we all know from suffering with anxiety that yes, eventually we will be okay and I’m sure one day, yes I will be driving and it will be okay. But that’s not how I feel now. Right now, I am too scared to learn to drive. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes.
So please, I would LOVE to hear from you if you have had a similar experience with learning to drive and if there was anything you did which helped you get over those fears, or little tips for when you actually have the lessons and tests!